


Almost Human

by TheGeekProblem



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Derogatory Language, Explicit Language, F/M, Humor, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:00:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29199525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGeekProblem/pseuds/TheGeekProblem
Summary: The DoSAC people discover that Malcolm Tucker is human
Relationships: Malcolm Tucker/Rose Tyler
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	Almost Human

**Author's Note:**

> There's zero continuity with the actual show in this work.

Malcolm Tucker wasn’t human. That’s what the people at DoSAC thought.

He was an absolute piece of shit. He was rude, he had a foul vocabulary, he spent most of his time yelling at people than anything else, and, as far as anyone knew, he practically lived at Number Ten. Which is why it was so strange for everyone to see Malcolm with a wedding band. 

It had appeared one day out of nowhere, with no comment or explanation. It was just there. Everyone had been really surprised about it, talking behind closed doors.

“You married, Malcolm?” Terri had asked once.

“This?” Malcolm said as he raised his hand and showed off his ring. “None of your fucking business.”

Nobody dared to ask after that, but speculating about it became one of their favourite pastimes. Whenever they had to pull an all nighter they would start to theorize to fight off the tiredness.

“He’s probably divorced.” Terri said. “They probably didn’t last the month and that’s why he hasn’t said anything.”

“Yeah, his wife probably left him and he’s miserable.” Ollie continued.

“I bet she’s old and wrinkly.” Glenn finished.

And after a few years, the rareness of it died down and everyone just assumed he probably wasn’t even married in the first place and just wore the ring as an accessory of sorts.

They all had been summoned to Number Ten by Malcolm and everyone was visibly nervous. They were fidgeting in their seats, all three of them squeezed into the back seat of a cab. Apparently every single office had been summoned for 20 minute appointments, one after the other. Malcolm had even put Jamie on charge of his 8:30 so he could keep every single bollocking on time.

“What do you think he wants to talk about?” Ollie said, still quite twitchy.

“I hope it’s not about the school thing again.” Glenn said tiredly.

“Why all of us? Why isn’t Nicola here, anyway?”

“Lunch appointment.”

When they entered Number 10 Downing Street, everything looked normal, everybody was minding their own business. That is, until they reached Malcolm’s floor where everyone was running frantically around the place, two of Jamie’s goonies screaming at a bunch of interns. Malcolm’s PA was at her desk typing away calmly, an enormous contrast from the frenzied pace of the rest of the floor. She raised her head to look at them and then nodded her head into Malcolm’s office. They all entered slowly, Malcolm was talking on the phone, which wasn’t weird, but he wasn’t shouting or insulting, he was talking normally and one could even dare to say he sounded almost human.

“Yeah, I’m wrapping up today.” He said. “No, I think I’ll eat here.” Pause. “You don’t have to.” Another pause. “Yeah.”

He hung up and ushered them inside. He reclined on his desk and looked at all three of them, his jacket was discarded on the desk, his sleeves were rolled up and his tie was missing. Over the past years he had left his hair longer, always neatly combed, but today it was wild as he racked his hands through his hair.

“All right, listen here you shitheads.” Malcolm said. “I’m leaving for the next two weeks. Apparently you can’t _not_ take holidays, so I’m taking a mandatory time off the office and I’m leaving Jamie in charge.”

“What?” Ollie said but Malcolm completely ignored him and continued talking.

“That’s why I don’t want to hear any fuck up from you, or anyone, in fact. I’ve been having these fucking meetings all goddamn day.”

Terri looked at him with wide eyes while Glenn and Ollie just looked perplexed. Malcolm rubbed his face and then looked at them.

“I don’t want to hear anything from fucking Nicola and if I hear something from any of you I’m gonna bash your heads against a wall so hard I’m going to make a Pollock painting out of you, you hear me?” He said menacingly.

“Yes, Malcolm.”

Malcolm nodded and then rounded his desk, looking at the papers sprawled on it, frowning.

“Sam, where’s the fucking file I asked for?” He screamed.

Malcolm’s PA entered the room holding a folder in one hand and a disposable cup of tea in the other. He grabbed both and sat down on his desk. He took a sip of the tea and winced, looking at it disdainfully.

“That’s fucking disgusting.” He commented.

“Maybe you should start to bring your own from home.” Sam said.

He eyed Sam with a ‘are you saying that to _me_?’ but she ignored him and left the office. He drank more from the tea and then eyed them with a frown.

“Why are you still here? Get the fuck out.”

They left the floor, escaping the madness that was the Department of Communications getting ready to see their Overlord out.

“Well, that was eventful.” Terri said.

“Two weeks without Malcolm Tucker.” Ollie said.

“Mind you, Jamie isn’t any better.” Glenn said.

“Still.” Ollie said. “He’ll be doing two jobs, he may not have time for us.”

They all nodded. As they were exiting the building they crashed against someone.

“Uff, sorry, sorry.” A soft voice apologized.

In front of them was a beautiful blonde woman. She was young, with shoulder-length bleached hair and an amazing smile. She was dressed in jeans and a hoodie so she definitely didn’t work at Number Ten. She was balancing three containers of takeout and one tumbler in her hands, she was probably a delivery girl.

The men were gaping at the poor woman so Terri intervened for all of them.

“So sorry.” Terri said.

“No, it’s okay. It was my fault.” The woman said.

“D’you need any help?” Terri asked.

“Not really, thank you.”

She approached the door, struggling to move the containers from one arm to the other and then turned with an apologetic smile at Terri.

“Actually, do you mind keeping the door open.” She asked.

Ollie started at her and then shook his head.

“Right, yes, yes.” Ollie said, finally getting out of his stupor. “You delivering?” He asked.

“Yes, well, something like that.” The woman answered. “Not really my job, but I guess I kinda signed up for that.”

Ollie looked at her, still hypnotized.

“Umm, the door?” The woman raised an eyebrow.

“Right, right.” Ollie moved fast and opened the door.

The woman entered the building and disappeared from their view.

“Wow.” Glenn said.

“Yeah. What I would give to see a girl like that delivering my food.” Ollie nodded beside him.

“Yeah, you fucking wish you scumbag.” A voice came from behind them.

They turned around to see Jamie, documents in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, bags under his eyes. Apparently the official holiday of the Devil was making shambles of everyone.

“You better not say anything to her,” Jamie continued, “she’s a danger zone. No Man’s Land. Do Not Touch.”

“You know her?” Ollie asked, pointing to the still open door.

Jamie only laughed and entered the building.

“Does that mean he knows her?” Ollie turned to Terri and Glenn.

Glenn only shrugged and Terri rolled her eyes as she started to move.

It was a week after that. 

Everyone was enjoying their time off from Malcolm. Jamie was not the best but he actually managed to not be as awful as Malcolm since he had to do two jobs at the moment, so they barely saw him during that time.

And then DoSAC fucked up.

“Why did you say that?!” Ollie screamed.

“I don’t know!” Nicola answered, rubbing her forehead.

“Are you fuckin’ retarded or something?!” Jamie screamed at her.

“That is really offensive. It’s a slur, you know.” Nicola said.

“Is it? Oh, I’m sorry if I’m missing my political correctness at the moment, I must’ve forgot it in the car with your fucking brains!” Jamie screamed as he ran his hands through his hair. 

And then Jamie’s phone started ringing. He checked the screen and then cursed softly.

“Fuck.” He said quietly. “It’s Malcolm.”

“How did he find out?”

Jamie answered his phone.

“Hey Malcolm.” Pause “I don’t know who called you but no, everything is handled.” Another pause. “Right.” He hung up. “You’re bloody dead, you hear me, you waste of fucking space.”

Malcolm appeared six hours after, in jeans, a band tee and a hoodie. It was disturbing, seeing him out of his neat suits and oxfords. Like seeing the Devil without his horns or the Wicked Witch without the pointy hat. He almost looked like a normal bloke, with civilian clothes that could be worn by your weird punk rocker uncle. He was even wearing Doc Martens. 

“Why am I here? I told you not to be fucking useless for two bloody weeks.” Malcolm said.

“We’re handling it.” Jamie said.

“You’re handling shit from shitonia.” Malcolm screamed at him. “Get the fuck out of my face.”

Then Malcolm did as he usually did. A few calls were made, there were screaming matches between the heads of the BBC and him, he left for a while and came back again, screaming about their fucking uselessness and by 4 a.m. everything was in order.

They were all tired, practically sleeping on their desks. Jamie had his face glued to a sofa while he sat on the floor and Malcolm was still typing away on his phone, still not tired.

“You’re fucking useless. You should’ve been aborted.” He said without taking his eyes from the screen

Then his phone rang. He looked at the name and he softened up, Jamie looked up tiredly.

“The missus?” He asked in a teasing tone.

“Shut the fuck up, Jamie.” He answered. “Hey. Yeah, everything’s handled.” A pause and a small smile which left everyone in the room perplexed. “You didn’t have to.” A pause and a huff. “A’ight.”

“Send her my love.” Jamie said.

“She says to fuck off.” Malcolm said to him and then to the phone. “Yeah, see yah.” He hung up and then said to Jamie. “Right, will you help her? She’s downstairs.”

Jamie did a mocking ‘Yes, Sir’ sign and then got up the floor.

“What? Delivery?” Ollie asked.

“The missus.” said Jamie before leaving.

Malcolm kept looking at his phone, sending a few final messages.

“Wait, you’re actually married?” Ollie asked.

“What the fuck do you think, Einstein?” Malcolm said, not really paying attention to him.

“That you were as miserable as us.” Ollie said.

“You wish.” He said, his fingers still moving over the screen of his phone. “Right, I need to make this call.”

He left and the DoSAC people got together.

“Oh my God, he’s married.” Nicola said.

“How do you think his wife looks?” Glenn asked.

“I bet she’s hideous.” Ollie said. “Like a female version of Malcolm.”

“I bet she has the same temperament.” Terri said.

“Maybe that’s why he never talks about her.” Nicola said.

“I bet he fucking hates her.” Ollie said.

“Who does?” A voice came from behind them.

And there, in front of them, was the beautiful blonde delivery girl. She was smiling and her hazel eyes, while tired, still sparkled. She was carrying a tote bag with tumblers and Jamie was carrying a few containers beside her. They just stood there, looking at the woman, not saying anything and probably coming out as creeps.

“Where’s Malcolm?” The woman asked.

They all started to point to where he had left, not knowing what else to do. The woman frowned but was still smiling. And then Malcolm interrupted.

“Rose.” He said.

“Hey,” she smiled when she looked at Malcolm, not a polite smile like the one she had given them but a smile that could light up the whole world, “you look tired.”

“Nothing that a week off won’t solve.” He smirked. 

Malcolm fucking Tucker smirked and actually looked genuinely happy to see this woman.

“You sure you’ll be able to leave after this?” She asked him.

“‘m sure. Nothing Jamie won’t be able to solve.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, Rose.” Jamie said, sounding truly apologetic. “I did give an order not to bother you.”

So her name was Rose.

“‘s okay, Jamie. I’m sure you did your best.”

“Right.” Malcolm said sarcastically.

Rose punched him lightly on the arm but he only smiled. She turned to look at them and said.

“Hello, I’m Rose, Malcolm’s wife. And you are?”

The men stayed silent, still gaping at her.

Nicola was the first to react. “Hi, I’m Nicola Murray, Social Affairs and Citizenship Secretary.”

“Yes, I’ve seen you on the telly before.”

Terri introduced the rest of them.

“This is Ollie, Glenn and I’m Terri.”

“Right, I brought food.” Rose said, pointing at the containers. “It’s only from the chippie but I brought the tea from home.”

“Thank you.” Malcolm said honestly and then to them. “Be grateful, you bastards.”

Finally Ollie and Glenn seemed to react.

“Yes, thank you.” Glenn said.

“Thanks.” Ollie said.

They all sat around the small coffee table, hunching awkwardly over the sofas and ate. Ollie and Glenn kept staring at Rose like they couldn’t believe she was real, making her slightly uncomfortable until she finally said.

“Do I have something in my face?” She asked, frowning a bit.

“Stop staring, you dickwads.” Malcolm said, glaring at them.

“Sorry, it’s just–” Ollie started.

“You’re Malcolm’s wife.” Glenn said.

Rose raised an eyebrow but tried to smile.

“I thought we’ve already been through this.” She said.

“How?” Ollie asked.

“Excuse me?” Malcolm said, with a tone that said clearly how insulted he felt by the question.

“It’s just not possible. There’s no way.” Ollie continued.

“She’s nice, she’s beautiful–” Glenn started.

“Thanks.” Rose said, perking up and sitting up straighter in her seat. Malcolm rolled his eyes at her but she only stuck out her tongue at him in a childish gesture.

“And she’s young. There’s no way she’s your wife.” Glenn finished.

“Is he threatening you?” Nicola asked.

“Did he kidnap you?” Terri asked.

“What type of person do you fucking think I am?” Malcolm said, incredulously.

Rose laughed and holy shit, she had an amazing laugh. She practically glowed.

“Nope. He’s not that clever.” She said with a twinkle in her eye as she looked at Malcolm. “I was young, I was in a bad place, he helped me.”

She gave him a sweet smile and grabbed his hand. Malcolm’s hand tightened around hers and he looked like a man completely in love. It was like all the hard edges had been removed and he only had eyes for his wife.

“He was kind.” She said. “Ha saved me.”

“But he’s old.” Ollie said.

She laughed again. “He’s not that old. 49 next year?”

“God saves us.” Malcolm muttered.

“But, he’s never said anything about you.” Glenn said. “We actually thought you were invented.”

“Malcolm Tucker, not talking about his personal life? I’m surprised.” She said with a sarcastic gasp.

The rest of the meal went without any hiccups. Malcolm didn’t even complain about them, preferring to talk to his wife and making her laugh. It was the most they had seen him smile in the entire time they knew him, he would huff and playfully banter like a normal person. It was like they had entered the Twilight Zone and they were seeing a parallel version of Malcolm Tucker, a version that didn’t scream all the time and actually communicated with something other than curses.

The meal in itself wasn’t bad, the chips were good, the tea was marvelous (no wonder Malcolm always complained about the tea in the office), and Rose was nice to be around. She lighted up the place just by being there.

They finished eating and Malcolm and Rose prepared to leave once more.

“Right, I’ll catch up with you,” Malcolm said, “just need to gather some things from here.”

He gave her a smile and a quick kiss. Rose left and Malcolm turned to them. His gaze was just as scary as before Rose arrived in the building.

“Listen here, you little shits.” He said, his voice threatening and cold. “There’s a fucking reason why no one knows about Rose. And that’s because she’s a good person. I don’t want her to get involved in any of this, I don’t want the fucking press persecuting her just because she’s married to me, and I really don’t want my personal life mixed with my work. So if one of you wankers leaks _anything_ about her I’m going to use your insides to hang each and every single one of you. _Capice?_ ”

They all nodded and then Malcolm was leaving. Once enough time had passed for Malcolm to have left the building, the DoSAC people relaxed a bit.

Jamie was just finishing his chips and having a lot of fun looking at everyone’s faces. He cleaned up his hands and put his trash in the container, ready to throw in the bin.

“How?” Glenn finally broke the silence.

“She’s a literal angel, married to the actual King of the Underworld.” Ollie said.

They started cleaning and Jamie got ready to leave.

“Life ain’t fair, innit?” Jamie smiled at them and left.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, comments and kudos are super appreciated!
> 
> I recently binge watched The Thick of It for the first time ever and I just couldn't resist. I know this is super indulgent and there's no actual public for this fic but hey, I needed to get it out of my head. Who knows, maybe one day I'll write how Malcolm and Rose met in this fic.
> 
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